Nonsensical Logic

As human beings, we are gifted with the most amazing asset that exists: a limitless mind. It can achieve incredible things if we feed it with the right stimuli (bad TV is not one of them) and train it diligently. I've read about people who have been able to go days and days with no intake of solids or liquids with just the power of the mind and others who claim to have cured from mortal illnesses by using their mind. 

We have the power!

... and yet we (I pledge guilty) waste it in creating some kind of genius nonsensical logic. Don't know what I'm talking about? Read on!

Objective: Save money.

Mind's logic: I need to cut expenses so I'll fit *all* of my groceries in just one plastic bag. 

Reality: I'm saving 5 cents of a plastic bag and risking arriving home with a numb hand and arm from all the lack of circulation. That, if the bag's quality is high enough to bear all the weight, otherwise my shopping can end up scattered in the middle of the street.

Objective: Arrive on time.

Mind's logic: I need to get on that bus, the very one that is on the bus stop on the other side of the three-lane-two-sided road. I'll just ignore the red lights and run as fast as I can dodging the constant flow of cars.

Reality: I'm choosing death before a few minutes delay.

Objective: Eat healthy.

Mind's logic: I'll choose the healthy option and have salad for lunch. With cheese sauce. A lot of it. And croutons. And add a bit of salt. 

Reality: I'm eating the most unhealthy meal in the menu.

For the good of humanity, let's start making better use of our limitless minds!

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are real. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely intentional.

A Life in Numbers

It has been almost a year since I started this blog; since I made the decision to laugh at myself and life.

Wait, that would make it almost a year since I turned 30! Which can only mean that in a few days time... Oh Lord! Let's just say none of us is getting any younger...

This thought has given me a sudden urge to look back and evaluate (and question) what on earth have I done with all of these days? They escape like sand through my fingers.

Why do we do this? Why do we count things? Why do we enjoy so much keeping track of time to celebrate thresholds? But we do. Even unconsciously we do. I think that that first "when do we arrive?" from the back of our parent's car is what triggers a live constructed around counts...

A life in numbers. My life in numbers:

• 7 months without a drop of Diet Coke - I used to drink an average of 3 cans per day
• 10 hours of sleep - It's Sunday
• 20 minute swim
• 15 items in my shopping list
• 84% of battery in my laptop
• 8 emails in my inbox
• 29 degrees Celsius
• 4 more days to see my niece
• 20:11 of 10th of August of 2014

Would stop counting make it all count?

Things I Think

There are things I think when I shouldn't think them. 

After closing the front door:

do I have the keys - without which I am locked out, since there is no one else who has a copy - except for the landlord, whom I prefer not to disturb with my 
absentmindedness

At a minimum travelling distance from home of 45 mins by car:

did I unplug the iron that could cause my whole place to burn down?

did I blow out all the aromatic candles that give my home such an amazing fragrance and  at the same time can turn it to ashes in a matter of seconds?

did I close the window through which anyone can freely enter the house?

All tucked in and with the lights out:

did I send that extremely important email that had to go out today with no exception and that I have spent hours drafting?

after paying for that last thing, did I put my credit card back in my wallet? 

I have all of these things I need to do tomorrow [list starts here - sleep stops here] 

Let's go through every stupid decision I have made in life. 

And of course, my personal favourite and the one I keep experiencing:

At least 15 minutes after the actual event:

the most perfect thing to say that would have saved you from looking like an idiot comes up to your blank mind!

Unexpected Item in Bagging Area

Just back from the supermarket:

• Interaction with people = 0
• One-sided communication with machine = repeatedly. We don't seem to get along.
• Workload added on me = 100%

Conclusion: my grocery shopping has become highly antisocial and the amount of work that I now how have to do thanks to auto-machines has increased. At my regular grocery store there are now more auto-checkout machine points (7 last time I counted) than ones with 'real' people (1 and only). 

Sure, not having someone emptying your basket has it has its advantages. One of which being the protection of privacy. I can buy whatever I want without getting feeling judged by the person on the other side of the checkout. (Am I the only one who feels like this when having an employee go through your purchases?). On the other hand, I am forced to unload my trolley, scan my items and then bag and remove them. I find this whole process slow and very stressful, as the breathing from the next person in the line becomes louder and closer. I feel sweat running down my forehead whenever I hear "unexpected item in the bagging area, remove this item before continuing". My hands shake every time I take more than 3 seconds to locate the scan code. Stressful!

And it is only the start of it. Machines are taking over. The other day I was in a UK airport and I had to check in my baggage by myself. You know how simple the task of printing the bag tag and sticking it on a handle looks from the outside? Well, not so much when you're doing it yourself... I had no faith at all that my bag would make it to my destination. All those instructions in a simple sticker! Needless to say that I my respect towards ground hostesses has increased significantly.

I don't know what next will robots allow (force?) us to do, but in the meantime, I be reminded that every job requires skills and that not everyone is equally prepared to perform even the simplest tasks. Oh, and please give me some time and space when I'm paying for my groceries. Thank you.

Earth, Please Swallow Me. Now.

The whole point to this blog is to laugh at myself, so I'll tell you about one of my worse kept secrets: I am clumsy. Very, very clumsy. With things - I'm known to have butter fingers -, with words and in situations.

Diagnosis

Clumsiness. Although not too keen on the definition of the word...

Symptoms

Physical

· red (and very hot) face

· blank stare to the floor

· special sensitivity to gravity - frequent flat ground falls

· there have been cases reported of 'run fast and hide' immediately after an episode

· unbalance

Psychological

· strong wish for the earth to part and swallow oneself

· inability of thinking anything other that 'f***!!'. Repeatedly and for the whole duration of the episode and beyond when remembering it.

Effects and Consequences

· random bruises

· embarrassment

· might be linked to losing friends

Examples of Episodes

Note: these are just a few samples from a long and growing list

• The Cherry Tomato Incident: too small to cut in pieces and yet not small enough to bite with a full closed mouth = spilling the whole inside of one over my lunch partner :)
• The Stairs: too many steps, too little coordination = bruised shins from falling up (yes, up!) the stairs
• The 50/50 chance: clear "pull" and "push" signs + brain reverse processing = pushing doors that are built to be pulled and vice versa
• The Social Network: too many information + too much procrastination = mentioning something to somebody that you only know from looking (stalking) their social network page
• The Car: too many good songs + too little care = shouting your heart out to "I Will Survive" just to find the driver next to you staring in amazement
• The Multitasking: too many things + too little time = finishing up a call with a client by saying, “Love you.”
• The Name: too many people + worse memory ever = forgetting the name of someone when you're introducing them 

Too clumsy + Too many times = a lot of embarrassing situations (but good fun!)

New Year's Resolutions

It is the time to think about them, to plan them, to write them down, to do whatever you think will work this time around, because, this year, you are going to stick to your resolutions. Or are you?

Today, 28th December, we Spaniards celebrate el Día de los Inocentes. It's what you might know as 'April Fools' Day', but in Spain it is celebrated in December. 'Spain is different', they say. A good day to think about 2014's resolutions, because who are we fooling? Most of them will forever remain as good intentions.

This year I am not making any lists, I won't trick myself into thinking that a new year can trigger a new life. After all, every day is a fresh start, every single day is an opportunity to become a better version of myself. 

This year I aim to stick to my sole and only resolution: do more of what makes me happy. 

As simple as that. No unachievable idealisms. No becoming someone that I am not. I'll water 2014 with white wine, clear it of toxic people and fill it of shared moments with family and real friends. The soundtrack will be that of the loudest laughters.

I hereby commit to investing all of my energy, time, effort and other resources in being happy.

The Language in Language

So you speak English, do you? I thought I did too... up until a little over 5 years ago.

It all started the day I landed on the country which was to become since then my home. Having brought up in the British education system since my toddler days, I pretty much considered myself fluent in the language of Shakespeare. Up until I got into the taxi from the airport, told the taxi driver the address I wanted to go to, and receiving a blank stare and a idle engine in return. I gave up after the third repetition and was forced to write the address down for him to read himself. The exact same thing I would have done if I'd had landed in Taiwan.

English is not a language, it's a world of languages I have yet to explore. It's not only about differences in pronunciation, or accent, or spelling, or jargon or even slang. It's how one same word can have so distinct meanings in one supposed same language. 

If you want to avoid empty glances or awkward looks, here are some of the first words I learned (the hard way, as always) did not always mean what I meant them to mean:

· Pants: underwear for some, trousers for others. So be sure to tell that you wore (or not wore) the correct ones! 

· Rubber: what some use to delete pencil mistakes and what others use to prevent 'other type' of mistakes... 

· Biscuit: think before you order it: am I a tiny bit peckish or famished?  

· Lift: complete different interpretations of up and down

· Bird: think twice before classifying it as an animal... some refer to their girlfriends with this noun 

· Shag: very utterly extremely important that you get this one right, or "selling a shag" can get you from this to this...

Regardless of whether you speak English or any other language, the common truth is that the more you know, the more you know how little you know!