Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Legal Alien

Sting's song suddenly fell into place: I too am a 'legal alien'. 

In fact, I had to repeatedly state so by checking the box beside this new denomination of myself when filling in the never-ending number of forms and documents required to come to the U.S.

I won't lie, at first it felt weird to be classified as such. Then again, I can't remember the last time I felt such an outsider as I feel now. So I guess I really am an alien. Now that all my paperwork has been correctly submitted and processed, I am here legally. Thus: I am a legal alien.

The journey has been more arduous than I had anticipated. People blame fairytales for setting false expectations on love. I blame the whole film industry and media for portraying America as the model every nation should pursue. I was expecting some language particularities, but came to believe that things here worked smooth and flawlessly. These few months here have surely debunked my assumptions.

Banking system
When opening my account I was repeatedly made aware of the fact that my new account awarded me with 4 (exactly 4) checks! But I was to fret not, cause I was able to request more when needed. As I listened to the sales representative, my head was nodding politely, but my mind was having a hard time remembering the last time I had ever seen a check. I'm pretty sure it was at least 30 years ago.
In the country where the internet was invented, people still use checks daily.

Public Transport
I wondered why in a smallish city like this one, people still owned cars. The short answer is: unreliable public transport. Why is there even a bus schedule? One thing I'd say, though, all of the drivers I've encountered are super nice and helpful. So much that they seem to stop wherever it suits the person getting out. True story. 

Home Appliances
The kitchen is the biggest room in every house. Some may argue this allows to accommodate family and social gatherings. I have come to the conclusion that it's rather to accommodate humongous home appliances. No matter how much food I store, my fridge always looks empty. I don't even bother using the dishwasher, the sum of all of my table, cooking and kitchenware fail to load it fully. Yet, I'm still to make sense of the fact that apartments come with no washing machines!

The list goes on and on: prices (I'm talking $9 for 4 kiwis!? $5 for a small coffee!? and I won't even mention what I pay for my poorly-proportioned-with-huge-kitchen apartment...), size of cars, online orders left outside apartment buildings...

And yet, there is no other placer I would rather be :)




Thursday, May 21, 2015

Nonsensical Logic

As human beings, we are gifted with the most amazing asset that exists: a limitless mind. It can achieve incredible things if we feed it with the right stimuli (bad TV is not one of them) and train it diligently. I've read about people who have been able to go days and days with no intake of solids or liquids with just the power of the mind and others who claim to have cured from mortal illnesses by using their mind. 
We have the power!
... and yet we (I pledge guilty) waste it in creating some kind of genius nonsensical logic. Don't know what I'm talking about? Read on!

Objective: Save money.
Mind's logic: I need to cut expenses so I'll fit *all* of my groceries in just one plastic bag. 
Reality: I'm saving 5 cents of a plastic bag and risking arriving home with a numb hand and arm from all the lack of circulation. That, if the bag's quality is high enough to bear all the weight, otherwise my shopping can end up scattered in the middle of the street.

Objective: Arrive on time.
Mind's logic: I need to get on that bus, the very one that is on the bus stop on the other side of the three-lane-two-sided road. I'll just ignore the red lights and run as fast as I can dodging the constant flow of cars.
Reality: I'm choosing death before a few minutes delay.

Objective: Eat healthy.
Mind's logic: I'll choose the healthy option and have salad for lunch. With cheese sauce. A lot of it. And croutons. And add a bit of salt. 
Reality: I'm eating the most unhealthy meal in the menu.

For the good of humanity, let's start making better use of our limitless minds!


Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are real. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely intentional.






Sunday, March 8, 2015

The Proud Misfit

I am
  • ... a woman
  • ... self-sufficient
  • ... in my thirties
  • ... single
  • ... left-handed (but that's a story for another day)
Long story short, I am a MISFIT.

Living in a city where I am the living exception to the rule. This fact grants me the privileged position of being the target of awkward (and quite frankly, in many cases rude) comments, questions and moments all around the same theme: 
"What am I doing with my life??"
And although at the beginning all these comments made me want to climb under my duvet and cry myself blind; wisdom (actually, no, not wisdom, but rather, not giving a damn - for the use of a better word) has made me realise that not being like others is what gives me an identity.

I have accepted that I am where I have to be and made my mission to make others accept this too. Listen up:

  • the only babies/toddlers I like are the ones I share some part of DNA with. And even those, I am happy to give back after a while
  • no, I'm not worried about finding someone - last time I checked I hadn't lost anything
  • the time when I felt the loneliest is when I had (the wrong kind of) someone by my side
  • stop asking me whether I have a partner! Not having one does not make me a defective person and it certainly does not define me
  • defining me by my relationship status says more about you than it does about me
  • yes, I might be picky, but shouldn't you be with the person you decide to share your life with?
  • I'm not sure if destiny has something good waiting for me, what I do know is that the best way to predict the future is to create it. I wouldn't be where I am if I had left things to chance instead of working by butt off!
  • in the past 10 years or so I've lived in 5 different cities, met people for more countries that I know existed and seen places I had only dreamed of visiting. No, I don't feel like I'm throwing my life away
  • I've found a passion and I'm pursuing a dream. I'm not trying to get you to follow my dream, so quit trying to single me out for not wanting to follow yours.

This is my life and I am working on being happy to be living it.





Sunday, April 20, 2014

Old News = No News

One of the reasons why I read, almost exclusively, fiction is due to the easiness with which I get attached to characters. I cry, I get angry, I take sides and, in many cases, I finish books with a strong urge to know more about the characters' day to day lives beyond the final pages. I can't, I know, so I make peace with the fact that it's fiction, that anything can happen after I close the book. That they not always lived happily ever after.

I like that, I like fiction. I favour it over to real life events. In real life I find myself at a loss, unable follow a story from beginning to end.  Today's news is all that matters; which by default means that no one cares about what happened yesterday.

But what if we do? People of the media, don't you realise that you're playing with our feelings (and not in a good way)? Please, let me know! I do care!
Why and how did Jack The Ripper get away with all the murders?  
How's Schumacher and his family coping?
What's the deal with Woody Allen and his 'peculiar' family situation? Did he really do what he was accused of? 
What is Monica Lewinsky up to these days?
Is there a monster in Loch Ness
Are Michael Jackson's children ok? Will they be ever able to have a 'normal' life? 
Everyone knows about Will Smith and that poor James Avery (Uncle Phil) sadly passed away a few months back. But what about 'Geoffrey' the Butler? How is my favourite person in the the Fresh Price of Bel Air getting on? 
What's behind the Bermuda Triangle?  
Was the prostitute Hugh Grant was caught with ever able to build a better life?
What happened between Britney Spears deciding to shave her head not so long ago to her being back on stage again? Who's minding those poor kids of hers?
Did Neil Armstrong and the Apollo 11 really land on the moon in July 1969?

Please people, I need closure?



Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Things I Think

There are things I think when I shouldn't think them. 

After closing the front door:
do I have the keys - without which I am locked out, since there is no one else who has a copy - except for the landlord, whom I prefer not to disturb with my 
absentmindedness

At a minimum travelling distance from home of 45 mins by car:
did I unplug the iron that could cause my whole place to burn down?
did I blow out all the aromatic candles that give my home such an amazing fragrance and  at the same time can turn it to ashes in a matter of seconds?
did I close the window through which anyone can freely enter the house?

All tucked in and with the lights out:
did I send that extremely important email that had to go out today with no exception and that I have spent hours drafting?
after paying for that last thing, did I put my credit card back in my wallet? 
I have all of these things I need to do tomorrow [list starts here - sleep stops here] 
Let's go through every stupid decision I have made in life. 

And of course, my personal favourite and the one I keep experiencing:

At least 15 minutes after the actual event:
the most perfect thing to say that would have saved you from looking like an idiot comes up to your blank mind!



Sunday, March 16, 2014

Earth, Please Swallow Me. Now.

The whole point to this blog is to laugh at myself, so I'll tell you about one of my worse kept secrets: I am clumsy. Very, very clumsy. With things - I'm known to have butter fingers -, with words and in situations.

Diagnosis
Clumsiness. Although not too keen on the definition of the word...

Symptoms
Physical
· red (and very hot) face
· blank stare to the floor
· special sensitivity to gravity - frequent flat ground falls
· there have been cases reported of 'run fast and hide' immediately after an episode
· unbalance

Psychological
· strong wish for the earth to part and swallow oneself
· inability of thinking anything other that 'f***!!'. Repeatedly and for the whole duration of the episode and beyond when remembering it.

Effects and Consequences
· random bruises
· embarrassment
· might be linked to losing friends

Examples of Episodes
Note: these are just a few samples from a long and growing list
  • The Cherry Tomato Incident: too small to cut in pieces and yet not small enough to bite with a full closed mouth = spilling the whole inside of one over my lunch partner :)
  • The Stairs: too many steps, too little coordination = bruised shins from falling up (yes, up!) the stairs
  • The 50/50 chance: clear "pull" and "push" signs + brain reverse processing = pushing doors that are built to be pulled and vice versa
  • The Social Network: too many information + too much procrastination = mentioning something to somebody that you only know from looking (stalking) their social network page
  • The Car: too many good songs + too little care = shouting your heart out to "I Will Survive" just to find the driver next to you staring in amazement
  • The Multitasking: too many things + too little time = finishing up a call with a client by saying, “Love you.”
  • The Name: too many people + worse memory ever = forgetting the name of someone when you're introducing them 

Too clumsy + Too many times = a lot of embarrassing situations (but good fun!)




Thursday, February 6, 2014

Let's badge it!

Walking down the streets on any given day, a stampede of working souls, who can't seem to get home soon enough, rush in every direction. All with a distinctive feature: a label hanging from their necks. Literally, not metaphorically. Call it label, call it badge, call it what you want... It all serves the same purpose: openly displaying information.

Here is my proposal: if we are to disclose information, do it in a way that it'll benefit society as a whole. Tell the world something that will help them. It would save so much time and efforts! Efficiency, people, efficiency.

I'll illustrate this using myself as an example. My chest would proudly exhibit the following (not exclusively, but enough for you to get a sense of what I mean):
  • Good with faces, terrible with names
  • Don't care about the size - or number, for that matter - of your house, car, [enter material possession]
  • People who are happy all of the time scare me
  • Sometimes a glass of wine is the high of my day
  • Happiness is a good book and a milky tea
  • If you think you're better than someone else, don't come closer
  • ...
Are you in? 

Think that it will work both ways. I sure know that my my life would have been so much better if I knew up-front some of the things I only got to learn the hard way... 
  • "can't keep promises" 
  • "will lie behind your back" 
  • "my life is build around smoking"
  • "fake"
  • "will betray"
  • ...
 
Let's make the world a better place, let's badge it!



Sunday, December 15, 2013

Sick of Being Sick

Stages of being ill:
  1. Colleague at work starts sneezing. Sneezer-Colleague
  2. 'I told you so'-Colleague says: "you should have had the flu shot this year"
  3. You brag about not having caught a cold in over 6 years
  4. Hypochondriac-Colleague starts coughing
  5. Sneezer-Colleague calls in sick
  6. You start sneezing... No!
  7. 'I told you so'-Colleague says: "you should have had the flu shot this year"
  8. Your head aches
  9. Your skin turns the shade of grey that no makeup can hide
  10. Cautious-Colleague recommends you to go home
  11. No! you won't succumb to a cold. You brag about not having caught a cold in over 6 years and  try to fight symptoms by taking vitamins, eating oranges, wearing layers... But it's too late
  12. Your nose starts running. Constantly
  13. You take a box of tissues to every meeting
  14. Your nose blocks
  15. You start breathing with your mouth. As a consequence, you are thirsty all of the time
  16. Food loses its taste
  17. You're told to go home. You resist
  18. Your voice becomes manly. And echoed...
  19. Your eyes start watering without reason
  20. Ears stop registering sounds
  21. Welcome to life in a bubble!
  22. Your brain doesn't catch up with the outer-bubble world making your sentences incoherent
  23. Your skin begins to ache
  24. You surrender, admit that you're sick and go home
  25. Feeling vulnerable, you crawl into bed with the sole aim of not getting out
  26. Mummy!!!!
  27. You toss and turn in bed, your cough impeding you to get any sleep
  28. You're bored
  29. Change base camp to sofa
  30. You're bored
  31. Change base camp to bed. Can't sleep
  32. You're bored
  33. Mummy!!!
  34. You're so bored and miserable that you go back to work
  35. Cautious-Colleague asks whether it is a good idea for you to be back so soon
  36. You pretend to be 100% recovered
  37. An ear pops. You feel the happiest person in the world
  38. A nostril decongests. Yey!!
  39. Cautious-Colleague starts sneezing and gives you a killer look